Not a week into the site and we got our first FRACAS. As always, let's Zapruder it.
Here is the full video of the ordeal. The timestamps are synced to this video.
0:00-0:10: The opening salvo. A shot rings out. Everyone immediately knows that life will not be the same from now on for the remainder of this 3-game series.
Castellanos exchanges words with Uceta, who doesn’t speak English, and after the game was seen wearing a “Pyscho Bunny” t-shirt featuring a rabbit with crossbones through his torso. He would later claim the pitch was a changeup-- a 92.6 mph changeup.
Bryce Harper removes his helmet, as one does when he’s about to enter a fight. His flowing locks look majestic as he strides toward the assailant on this cool September evening.
This might be the best Bryce Harper clip ever.
Video: @paul_boye
pic.twitter.com/lutFDInMDg
— On Pattison (@OnPattison) September 11, 2024
0:14: Castellanos also removes his helmet, per fight code. His locks are so perfectly straight this year, like Lego hair but with bounce— it’s impressive, really. Harper is held back by two Rays, including Junior Caminero, who also wears bright green drip. This may or may not hold any significance.
A man in a Phillies helmet enters the frame, heading in the opposite direction— a second shooter or the bat boy? Perhaps both?
The woman in the first row never flinched. Did she know it was coming? Who is she looking at? Is this a signal of some sort?
0:16: They are streaming out of the dugout. You can clearly see the position groups that sit together on the Phillies— starters, starting pitchers in the red jackets, a coach or two, and Bryson Stott, who is due up and just wants everything to be A-OK.
The bat boy is in the bottom of the frame and still too close for comfort. Umpires spotted him up to 30 minutes before the pitch, carrying a long wooden object, which he is no longer in possession of. He’s dressed for action despite not playing in the game. Very concerning. Why did they let Castellanos come to the plate?
0:21: Phillies relievers are in a flat-out race with Rays centerfielder Jonny DeLuca. The last one in is a rotten egg.
0:22: Oh God, Phillies bullpen catcher Hector Rabago is gonna be the rotten egg.
0:24: Harper needs to be fully restrained. Brandon Marsh looks him squarely in the eye to show him the face of someone who has seen things. You don’t want to have seen things, Marsh whispers.
0:27: Weston Wilson, who once got a tattoo at Nick Castellanos’ dinner table, enters the frame. I'll eat a man, he thinks to himself.
0:28: Taijuan Walker looks on, wondering if the Rays could use a fifth starter, or a "top of the steps dugout guy".
0:34: Rotten Egg
0:41: Phillies outfielder Cal Stevenson asks Bryce Harper for his autograph. This is the first time he's been close to Harper, though he wishes it were under different circumstances. Harper's hair is so cool up close.
0:44: Ranger Saurez, not a worry in the world, is wondering what’s going on— he just got back from the boardwalk, where his velocity topped out at 89 mph on Speed Pitch. Meanwhile, Wilson is fully digesting Rays backup catcher Ben Rortvedt. At only 5-foot-9, Rortvedt went down easily.
0:48: A lot of milling around. Jose Alvarado just spotted the Peanut Lady. He loves peanuts.
0:59: Harper is reassured that his hair still looks great. Strategically tussled, he's told.
1:05: Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Strahm:
Matt Strahm, leaving his evening yoga class without an instructor, ready to throw hands. pic.twitter.com/3YFpTJPDNR
Also at 1:05: Reservoir Dogs, Delco edition
1:24: No, for real Bryce, your hair looks fine, but it flows better when you run hard.
1:28: Nick Castellanos: So, like, listen, I was talking to the bat boy in the on-deck circle, and he asked me if a needed a donut. I think he was testing me to see if I was a cop. He got spooked when I said “yes,” and handed me a rubber weight and then ran off into the dugout. Very strange behavior. Five minutes later, I felt something on my hip. Next thing I know he’s walking towards home plate and Harper is calling Uceta a “motherf*cker.”
Sosa: Shit, bro. I know that kid.
1:32: I mean, I wanted a powdered, or at least a glazed. Powdered are the best because you have it all over you for an hour and that reminds you that you just ate a donut. Who wouldn’t be happy after eating a donut?
1:39: Uceta realizes he’s about to be apprehended and will probably have to answer questions about a very serious matter in a language he doesn’t speak. He wonders if Citizens Bank Park offers ballpark-appointed counsel, and if he gets to keep his belt. He loves his belt.
1:45: Why would he ask if I wanted a donut if he didn’t have a donut?
1:51: Harper saw his reflection. The Showman, still.
Now we turn our attention to the replay, to get a closer look and see some additional angles. We’re looking for muzzle flashes, suspicious behavior, and any sign of a box of donuts near or around the Phillies’ dugout.
2:22: True Detective, Season 5. The diamond is a square.
2:33-2:37: The Phillies' dugout is seen here just moments after the shot rang out. Sensing a fight, Stubbs races to grab beers in case the bros need some refreshment.
Alvarado absolutely tears out of the dugout. Like Wilson, he, too, has eaten a man, and he’s never liked Rays reliever Garrett Cleavinger. And it's getting late. Bad combination if you're Cleavinger.
Marsh has no idea where he’s going, but he’d follow these guys to the ends of the Earth + he heard Stubbs was bringing beers. Zack Wheeler would rather be fishing, but he needs to maintain appearances. He also figures he can throw a line out and catch a sting ray if all else fails. Rob Thomson’s wife is going to kill him when he gets home-- Canadians are a peace-loving people, and this is not good for his blood pressure.
2:47: Umps confirm they saw Uceta fire first. But home plate umpire John Libka notes his interactions with the bat boy, who remains unaccounted for at this time. Castellanos' hip moved back and to the left, he recalls.
2:55: Why isn’t a jelly donut called a jam donut? It’s more jam than jelly since it’s made with mashed fruit, in most cases. Liam always asks for jelly and I have to correct him that it’s jam— he wants a "jam" donut.
3:04: Uceta is thrown out. He worries about the fate of his colorful belt. He got it when he was just a boy in Villa Los Almacigos.
3:34: Do you love Boston cream?
bonus image from Rays broadcastOh man, I love Boston cream!
3:38: Should I have worn the Phanatic shoes tonight?
No one has seen or heard from the bat boy.
